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Surely you did not think I would let Valentine’s Day come and go without some sort of bitter commentary? Truth is, whether I was single or in the shackles of coupledom, this post would be bitter. Why? Because, like Shark Week, Valentine’s day is just dumb.

Things that were delivered to me on February 14th:

  • An invitation to someone’s wedding
  • A box of kitchen utensils
  • A pack of pre-printed return address labels (THANK YOU Children’s hospital!!)
  • A notice that my cable was being shut off (I am not struggling, it was a Comcast error. I swear.)

I think my parents sent me the kitchen utensils because they realized I would not likely be getting any gifts from admirers on this loveliest of days. They are good people. This day started pissing me off when I was 7 years old and my boy crush only wrote “from Rob” on his mandatory Disney valentine.

But, I will comply and, in keeping with the love theme, I will list here 10 things that I love:

  1. I love that every morning my little coffee grinder blows the circuit in my outlet and instead of getting pissed off I just smile because that is a damn powerful mini-coffee-grinder.
  2. I love that my mom is the only person put on this earth that actually believes in my ability to cook. Hence the utensils.
  3. I love that my dad gave me all his vinyl and has not once called me out on not keeping up my end of the bargain.
  4. I love that my sister offers for me to live with her beautiful family at least once a week. Hooray for safety nets!
  5. I love that my friends put me up when I was homeless and they continuously put up with my complaints about humans and aliens of the opposite gender.
  6. I love beer. and food.
  7. I love my house now that the walls aren’t falling down and I am no longer cohabitating with rodents of the bushy tail variety.
  8. I love that I often get to wake up in Colorado and go to sleep in Austin.
  9. I love Jersey Shore marathons because I can get it all over with in one day.
  10. I love it when people casually walk on people movers at the airport. No wait, I hate those people. Stand (to the right), move your ass or stroll along on the non-moving flooring so you can continue to keep your head up your rear-end.

A few more things.

To Google: stop telling me that people “did not receive my chat” when in fact they read it loud and clear. Do you know how disturbing it is to think that someone did not receive my witty banter? Only to realize later, after I resend it 5 times, that they absolutely did read it (5 times) and were just trying to formalize an equally witty response?

To St. Mark’s Coffee Shop: Please do not put a shaker of unmarked pepper and spices next to the cinnamon and other coffee additives. I understand that this particular concoction was meant for sandwiches and the like, but I ruined a perfectly fantastic cappuccino thinking it was cocoa.

Oh, and one more thing, I saw someone write LMBO on Facebook today. Seriously? You really need to change it so the letter stands for a less offensive word than ass? I do not know you Stephanie Wilson, but I think you might annoy me.

(Mom, that rubber double ended spatula kicks ass. Just used it to stir my oats. So much better than anything a silly boy would give me for Valentine’s day.)


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