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Surely you did not think I would let Valentine’s Day come and go without some sort of bitter commentary? Truth is, whether I was single or in the shackles of coupledom, this post would be bitter. Why? Because, like Shark Week, Valentine’s day is just dumb.

Things that were delivered to me on February 14th:

  • An invitation to someone’s wedding
  • A box of kitchen utensils
  • A pack of pre-printed return address labels (THANK YOU Children’s hospital!!)
  • A notice that my cable was being shut off (I am not struggling, it was a Comcast error. I swear.)

I think my parents sent me the kitchen utensils because they realized I would not likely be getting any gifts from admirers on this loveliest of days. They are good people. This day started pissing me off when I was 7 years old and my boy crush only wrote “from Rob” on his mandatory Disney valentine.

But, I will comply and, in keeping with the love theme, I will list here 10 things that I love:

  1. I love that every morning my little coffee grinder blows the circuit in my outlet and instead of getting pissed off I just smile because that is a damn powerful mini-coffee-grinder.
  2. I love that my mom is the only person put on this earth that actually believes in my ability to cook. Hence the utensils.
  3. I love that my dad gave me all his vinyl and has not once called me out on not keeping up my end of the bargain.
  4. I love that my sister offers for me to live with her beautiful family at least once a week. Hooray for safety nets!
  5. I love that my friends put me up when I was homeless and they continuously put up with my complaints about humans and aliens of the opposite gender.
  6. I love beer. and food.
  7. I love my house now that the walls aren’t falling down and I am no longer cohabitating with rodents of the bushy tail variety.
  8. I love that I often get to wake up in Colorado and go to sleep in Austin.
  9. I love Jersey Shore marathons because I can get it all over with in one day.
  10. I love it when people casually walk on people movers at the airport. No wait, I hate those people. Stand (to the right), move your ass or stroll along on the non-moving flooring so you can continue to keep your head up your rear-end.

A few more things.

To Google: stop telling me that people “did not receive my chat” when in fact they read it loud and clear. Do you know how disturbing it is to think that someone did not receive my witty banter? Only to realize later, after I resend it 5 times, that they absolutely did read it (5 times) and were just trying to formalize an equally witty response?

To St. Mark’s Coffee Shop: Please do not put a shaker of unmarked pepper and spices next to the cinnamon and other coffee additives. I understand that this particular concoction was meant for sandwiches and the like, but I ruined a perfectly fantastic cappuccino thinking it was cocoa.

Oh, and one more thing, I saw someone write LMBO on Facebook today. Seriously? You really need to change it so the letter stands for a less offensive word than ass? I do not know you Stephanie Wilson, but I think you might annoy me.

(Mom, that rubber double ended spatula kicks ass. Just used it to stir my oats. So much better than anything a silly boy would give me for Valentine’s day.)

Yes, I disappeared again. It was a heck of a few months sorting out what turned out to be a nightmarish move from Austin back to Denver. While I miss my Austin life and friends dearly, it’s great to be back in the “Sunshine State.” I’ll bring you up to speed on a few things, good and bad, and then we’ll just move forward like nothing ever happened.

Bad: Goodbye lakes

Great: Hello Mountains

Bad: Stepping into my future home to realize it was unlivable and my management company hadn’t taken care of it the last four years. (Real Property Management of Colorado)

Great: Waging a negative PR campaign against the bastards and realizing there is a market out there for “Revenge PR.”

Bad: Not having a home to move into when I arrived in Denver.

Great: Having the greatest friends in the world who gave me their basement and their brewery (ah, to wake up to the smell of hops each morning) to stay in while I repaired my home.

Bad: Leaving behind my chauffeur ants in Austin.

Great/ bad: Moving into my Denver home to realize I have squirrels and flies I can train to take their place. (For the flies, I have learned that spraying them with professional strength Mr. Clean bathroom cleaner, then grabbing them with a napkin is way better than smooshing their guts on your window. Plus, it cleans the window. Bonus.)

My new trainees

Bad: Leaving behind my Austin porch family.

Great: Gaining the horseshoe hoodlums (a group of daily drunks that put in a horseshoe pit between the sidewalk and the street. Each day they open the side door of their mini-van to provide music for the game of skill.) in my front yard and the homeless people who sleep in my backyard. At least they take my garbage out for me and dispose of their malt liquor bottles in the appropriate containers.

Bad: Leaving behind my Titos adoring friends in Austin.

The Tito's Sunday Funday Crew

Good: Rejoining my beer loving friends in Denver.

Bad: Leaving behind the live music capital of the world.

Great: Coming to find Denver now has a happening music scene.

Bad: Sabotaged yet another relationship.

Great: Got stellar advice from the greatest sister in the world: “You deserve someone that says ‘I cannot believe this amazing woman is available to me. I’m going to do whatever I can to make her mine before someone else does!’” Word, Michelle. Word.

Bad: Worst. Movers. In. The. World. I’ll spare the extended details for now, but the first thing they said when arriving at my place is, “Where do the homeless people hang out looking for work in Austin? We need a few more guys to move your stuff.” (Jet Van Lines)

Great: Another use case for “Revenge PR.”

Bad: Dad getting kicked out of the Brown’s game because a flask fell out of his sleeve during security check.

Great: Dad getting back into the game using another gate…flask and liquid inside intact! Brownies Win!

Cheering on the Browns!

Bad: My furnace blows a ¼ inch layer of dirt throughout my house daily.

Great: Perfect timing for my Dyson Christmas gift from my parents.

Bad: Gaining 10 lbs during the chaos of the last few months.

Great: Winter Clothes.

I’m sure there are many more I will recall over time, but for now I’d like to see if I can top the great year that 2010 turned out to be by focusing on crushing it in 2011! Happy New Year everyone!

Oh, and one more thing… I found a bird in my house. How ironic, given my lifetime love/hate relationship with the creatures. I was dozing off on my couch when something flew into the room. It was a red breasted robin, standing in the middle of my floor and staring at me with its beady eye. I opened my front door and pleaded with it to leave, but it just kept walking around. It sat on my couch for a bit, then headed over to my desk and checked on my work. I’m of course FREAKING out but he is just looking at me as if to say, “Do I really have to go?” Eventually he just sighed and gave in, slowly swaggering out my front door to the porch (Yes, I do believe birds can swagger). For a short second, I almost felt like asking him to come back in and hang out, then I wigged myself out about how the hell it got there and what other animals I was co-habitating with and headed over to sleep on Brie’s couch.

I’m still living in fear of waking up in the apartment of Ace Ventura, but alas, what would my life (and this blog) be if it weren’t for the drama!

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