Well, I think I won the competition for top partier on New Year’s Eve, because I was rewarded with an ulcer… that may or may not be bleeding. Actually, I’ve known something was there for several weeks now but was attempting to be in denial until someone flipped that last number card on the year board and then it would magically disappear. New Year, New You. No?

How I felt on New Year's Day

I won’t go into detail about the evening I spent five hours staring at the blood I had just spit up in my toilet, because that,  does not a good story make. Instead I am going to accentuate the positive and explain how I have chosen to embrace this unfortunate turn of events as a forcing function to finally come through on all my resolutions from the past decade. I have no choice really…

  • Goodbye caffeine
  • Goodbye booze (just for a month)
  • Goodbye soda pop
  • Goodbye occasional partaking in a social smoke
  • Goodbye crappy food
  • Hello exercise
  • Hello vegetables
  • Hello six small meals a day

The hardest part? Caffeine, hands down. The thing is, I haven’t backed off of caffeine since my first cup of Pepsi when I was five years old. We used to drink it out of these plastic Michigan Wolverine cups that were shaped like beer mugs. Oh how Michelle and I loved our Pepsi mugs. Anywho, cut to 29 years later and I am still guzzling a gallon of coffee and a 2 liter of diet coke a day. Needless to say, since the withdrawal, I have had a bit of a headache… and I pull out my carpet square for nap time around three each day.

I even ordered P90X EXTREME HOME FITNESS because I figured, what the hell? If I am not doing any of those other fun things, surely I can stick to an EXTREME home fitness program for 90 days. I like to do things that are EXTREME. The package arrived. I popped in the introductory “Bring it” video and pressed play, then promptly put everything back in the box and slapped on the”return in 30 days and get a full refund” sticker. This wasn’t even a workout video. It was the video to tell you how to use the workout videos. I just sat on my couch and watched it while hoovering a chicken salad. Those people are CRAZY… and ripped. Neither of which I really want to be. Now that, my friends, is self-awareness. I have grown since my infomercial addiction days. I will stick to slugging myself around city park on the occasional warm day and if I want home fitness I’ll turn to my giant pill that has been used two times since it’s purchase in 09.

Your Squirrel update:

Randy set the traps. We caught two squirrels. He took them to the country. We sealed the hole in my roof. All was quiet…

Until this morning. When squirrel #3 (Steve) must have woken up from his 2 day New Year hang over nap only to find that he had been sealed into his house. This little guy went berserk! He was tearing around the entire layout of my house, in the ceiling, squealing and scratching and bouncing around. It was quite sad actually. I hit Randy’s number on speed dial (when your home is on the verge of being a certified wildlife refuge, the exterminator is on speed dial) and asked him to return and grant Steve his freedom. Yes, we have named the squirrel.

You must never name the squirrel.

Unfortunately, my friend Ashley did not know this attachment phenomenon and suggested on facebook that I name him Steve… Now I can’t think of him as anything but Squirrelly Steve with a little squirrelly mustache. I keep going outside to check the trap, but Steve seems to be much sharper than his brothers who were caught within an hour. Eager to hear what I am in for this evening.

One thing I know… I won’t be drowning out the sound with bourbon this time. Everyone suggests earplugs, but then I will lie awake worrying that I can’t hear my fire alarm or someone breaking into my house to abduct me. It happens you know.