You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2011.

Seriously, what is the deal? I thought we started a new year. Doesn’t that mean everything resets and we slowly begin weaving our lives back into the messed up ball of complication we all found ourselves entwined in at the close of 2010? Well, my hairball is still here. And so is that of all my friends. I freaking love my hairball.

Is it an age thing? Is mid-thirties just a big truckload of freaky occurrences, unexpected let downs, and sharp turns in a deceivingly straight road along side a big bucket of manic episodes? And why oh why does the person five feet away from me in this coffee shop smell so bad?

I guess what I am saying is that life is still ludicrous. For you Spaceball fans, I’ve gone plaid. And I don’t seem to be the only one. Maybe its because our astrological signs changed… or maybe it’s because we welcome the chaos.

Sure I stress. I’m having a war of intelligence with squirrels. I’m running a business, seeking love, looking for a get skinny quick fix and kicking myself for constantly forgetting people’s birthdays and children’s names. But if I didn’t have all these things going on, where would I be? Constant change and uncertainty seems to be what I thrive on. It motivates me. It challenges me. It pushes me to tackle it like a New York Jets linebacker. We all freak out and say “Look at the clusterfuck that is my life!” But, didn’t we make all of the decisions that put us on that island? You are in control of your own clusterfuck.

I chose to live a dual life in Austin and Denver. Why? Because after four years of constant travel and movement, I settled down and spent six months straight at home in Austin. I had to stir the pot. Keep things in a constant state of motion.

Will I ever get the urge to truly settle in? Don’t get me wrong, the calming image of coming home each night to share stories of my day with the love of my life over a homemade pot roast and a glass of wine while watching the evening’s prime time sitcoms or a movie that was delivered to our mailbox by Netflix that morning does pop up in my head and strike an envious cord once in a while… Then two days later when I paint my wall purple on a whim, hop a plane to NYC or change out of my PJs at midnight to run down the street and catch a great band that is playing, I realize that my version isn’t so bad either.

I guess ultimately, whether we care to admit it, we all find ourselves in the environment we designed. Sure, we can accidentally take on too much, or chemicals in our brains may shift or an entirely unexpected event can make an unexpected impact on our lives, but day in and day out, we have control over the larger portion of our decisions and averages say we end up right where we should have predicted.

Take for instance these crazy people, also sitting by me at the coffee shop. They brought with them a phone. Not a cell phone or even a satellite phone. This is the same phone I had in my bedroom in 7th grade. It has a curly cord attaching plastic handset to plastic cradle and copper wire waiting to be connected to a landline somewhere. They keep talking on it, but I cannot determine if it is plugged into a jack or anything. It’s just on the table. Is this some sort of theater production? They may have been dealt an unfortunate hand that resulted in this interesting set up in the corner of the Hideout where they talk with imaginary business partners. Or hell, maybe they are in the CIA and someone is really on the other end of that line. What I am willing to bet is that they likely made several life decisions that brought them to this point. And all I know is that I chatted with them for a bit, and they are downright happy. They are happy with their hairball and so am I.

And also notice the big boots… that are not on the big feet they belong to. Stench revealed.

I may go off the deep end here and there, but a bit of the crazies usually comes along with people who are creative and brilliant. I’m going to embrace my crazy as an indicator of something fantastic. Welcome to clusterfuck island. If you don’t like my hairball then I guess we just weren’t meant to be. Sad Land next door is accepting new residents.

(Wow, Doc, these little white pills really do the trick.)

Oh, and I have a confession to make… I had no freaking clue where the Poconos were until I Googled it 10 minutes ago. I knew they were a “vacation destination” but I didn’t even know if they were mountains or islands, skiing or surfing. I wasn’t even totally sure if they were in the US. Hey, you can’t be super smart about everything. I reserve my brain for things that are much more valuable to me. (They are mountains in Pennsylvania).

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Well, I think I won the competition for top partier on New Year’s Eve, because I was rewarded with an ulcer… that may or may not be bleeding. Actually, I’ve known something was there for several weeks now but was attempting to be in denial until someone flipped that last number card on the year board and then it would magically disappear. New Year, New You. No?

How I felt on New Year's Day

I won’t go into detail about the evening I spent five hours staring at the blood I had just spit up in my toilet, because that,  does not a good story make. Instead I am going to accentuate the positive and explain how I have chosen to embrace this unfortunate turn of events as a forcing function to finally come through on all my resolutions from the past decade. I have no choice really…

  • Goodbye caffeine
  • Goodbye booze (just for a month)
  • Goodbye soda pop
  • Goodbye occasional partaking in a social smoke
  • Goodbye crappy food
  • Hello exercise
  • Hello vegetables
  • Hello six small meals a day

The hardest part? Caffeine, hands down. The thing is, I haven’t backed off of caffeine since my first cup of Pepsi when I was five years old. We used to drink it out of these plastic Michigan Wolverine cups that were shaped like beer mugs. Oh how Michelle and I loved our Pepsi mugs. Anywho, cut to 29 years later and I am still guzzling a gallon of coffee and a 2 liter of diet coke a day. Needless to say, since the withdrawal, I have had a bit of a headache… and I pull out my carpet square for nap time around three each day.

I even ordered P90X EXTREME HOME FITNESS because I figured, what the hell? If I am not doing any of those other fun things, surely I can stick to an EXTREME home fitness program for 90 days. I like to do things that are EXTREME. The package arrived. I popped in the introductory “Bring it” video and pressed play, then promptly put everything back in the box and slapped on the”return in 30 days and get a full refund” sticker. This wasn’t even a workout video. It was the video to tell you how to use the workout videos. I just sat on my couch and watched it while hoovering a chicken salad. Those people are CRAZY… and ripped. Neither of which I really want to be. Now that, my friends, is self-awareness. I have grown since my infomercial addiction days. I will stick to slugging myself around city park on the occasional warm day and if I want home fitness I’ll turn to my giant pill that has been used two times since it’s purchase in 09.

Your Squirrel update:

Randy set the traps. We caught two squirrels. He took them to the country. We sealed the hole in my roof. All was quiet…

Until this morning. When squirrel #3 (Steve) must have woken up from his 2 day New Year hang over nap only to find that he had been sealed into his house. This little guy went berserk! He was tearing around the entire layout of my house, in the ceiling, squealing and scratching and bouncing around. It was quite sad actually. I hit Randy’s number on speed dial (when your home is on the verge of being a certified wildlife refuge, the exterminator is on speed dial) and asked him to return and grant Steve his freedom. Yes, we have named the squirrel.

You must never name the squirrel.

Unfortunately, my friend Ashley did not know this attachment phenomenon and suggested on facebook that I name him Steve… Now I can’t think of him as anything but Squirrelly Steve with a little squirrelly mustache. I keep going outside to check the trap, but Steve seems to be much sharper than his brothers who were caught within an hour. Eager to hear what I am in for this evening.

One thing I know… I won’t be drowning out the sound with bourbon this time. Everyone suggests earplugs, but then I will lie awake worrying that I can’t hear my fire alarm or someone breaking into my house to abduct me. It happens you know.