Today I regained respect for VH1. I literally haven’t turned the channel on since they cancelled Rock-n-Roll Jeopardy in 2001 (Best show ever. They had a category dedicated to Traveling Wilburys once. I killed it).  I was at the gym, sweatin away on the treadmill when I happened to glance up and notice the flat screen in front of me said, “Undateable. 100 thing guys do that guarantee they won’t be dating or having sex.” Hot damn. It’s a show that lists douche beacons!! I ripped my earphones out of my iPod and popped them into the provided TV audio player.  The show was actually hilarious. VH1 gets some stellar comedians to comment on idiots. Only thing that could have made it better is if they renamed it to be “100 douche beacons that keep guys from getting laid.”

Here’s the problem. Guys get laid anyway. I see it all the time. Hot girl with irritating guy. This is a pretty solid list. There are a few that I think they are stretching on. I mean, I’ll sleep on Star Wars sheets as long as they are clean.  Most of the list, though, are traits that to me would scream, “run the EFF in the other direction. Now!” But the sad thing is, there are too many low confidence women out there that will allow this behavior to happen. The thing that proves that more than any example I can give is that the show was pretty much hosted by the cast of Jersey Shore! Mer?!? Why oh why do women lower their standards like that?

I know, I know. I have heard it a million times. Any woman could get laid, any night of the week, if she really wanted to. But, fact is, I don’t… I mean we don’t want to have sex with just any boy that can get it up. That is not fun for us. Or maybe its just me. I lose a lot of filters when I am drinking, such as the one that requires you to think before you speak. That said, it doesn’t matter how little blood there is in my alcohol stream, my man filter stays intact (Mom, this is a proud moment for you!). While I may not be getting as much action as Samantha Jones, at least I never have an awkward morning, don’t live in fear of STDs, don’t have to endure the walk of shame, don’t gag a little bit when I think back on my conquests and I am not a part of the mass of women that condone stupid man behavior just because they decide they are willing to overlook thinly veiled dousche beacons when they are drunk and horny.

Maybe if we all band together and closed up shop for these morons, we could change the world together and create a better dating pool for those of us that have standards.

I won’t hold my breath.

This does not mean the show cannot be useful to us women. I’m hoping to get the DVDs and make it required viewing for any prospects. Actually, I’m hoping to get the series and have a “Dousche Beacon” watching party with all my friends, of both genders. That would just be fun. And sure to spark some heated conversation.

I’m posting the whole list here. Notice that all my previous douche beacons made the list. And I may have made a few comments/edits.

100. Man Shakes
99. Blue Tooth
98. Wrong Sheets
97. Mandanas (Ok when hiking or doing any physical activity)
96. Tanks & Sleeveless Ts
95. Arm Wrestling In Public
94. “The Blank –STER”
93. Vanity Plates
92. Quoting Lines From Movies (I have to say that I allow this one. As long as it’s from movies I find funny and it’s not your entire vocabulary.)
91. Unfortunate Ties
90. Cell Phone On The Waist
89. Sports clichés
88. The Flatulence  Trifecta
87. Ordering Wine @ Stadium
86. Online TMI
85. Pleated Pants
84. Embellished Jeans
83. Rearranging Junk / Butt Picking
82. Sports Jerseys
81. Dirty Car
80. Aggressive Sport Fans
79. Murses
78. Whining (Oh, please please. Stop with the whining)
77. Jorts & Japris
76. Air Guitar
75. Boners
74. Fake Swearing
73. Hawaiian Shirts
72. Overly Creative Voice Mail
71. Names For Breasts
70. Listening To Lite FM
69. Skullwear
68. Speaking In Cartoon Voice
67. Can’t Throw Ball
66. Pet Names for Penis
65. Crocs
64. Pitted Out Shirts
63. Booyah
62. Tap That / Hit That
61. Playing Dungeons & Dragons
60. Going Shirtless In Public
59. Owning Nunchucks
58. Bling (this includes all excessive jewelry, not just diamond encrusted dollar signs)
57. Stupid Tees
56. Bad Dancing
55. Busting Out Porn Too Soon
54. Biker Shorts
53. Talking About Video Games (I’m a geek. This is sometimes ok in today’s geek lovin world)
52. Bro-Code
51. “Moist”
50. Leather Pants
49. Crotch Grab
48. Holiday Sweaters
47. Bad Table Manners
46. Cut Off Shorts
45. Penis Enlargement
44. Frequenting Gun Range
43. Tacky Texting
42. Chain Wallet
41. Getting Drunk On a Plane (depends on situation. This can be fun if man is not obnoxious.)
40. Disturbing Laugh
39. Lame Pick-up Lines
38. Open-Mouth Breathing
37. Excessive Any Ed Hardy
36. Burping Loudly & Proudly
35. Owning A Van
34. Baby Talk
33. Dad Jeans
32. Hairy Back, Neck & Nose
31. Eminem-Speak
30. Wimpy Drinker
29. Double Denim (when will they learn?)
28. Bicep & Calf Implants
27. The Pregnant Man
26. Speedos
25. Bad Driver (Sissy/Rage)
24. Attending Geek Conventions
23. Talking in Third Person
22. Riding A Contraption
21. Moobs
20. Guy lights/ Dyeing Your Hair
19. Bringing Glove to A Game
18. Tighty Whities
17. Bad Facial Hair
16. Gross Nails
15. Not Paying On First Date
14. Dirty Hair
13. Fur Coats
12. Bald Denial
11. Steroids
10. Creepily Into Mom
9.  Excessive Waxing
8.  Hocking Loogies
7.  Mandals  with Socks period
6.  The V & Other Gestures
5.  Bustin’ a Sag
4.  Eye/ Face lift
3.  Chewing Tobacco
2.  Talking About your Ex
1.  The C-Word (Unless said with a British accent)

That about covers it. What is interesting is that we are always hearing men talk about how women just need to shut up. It’s funny how many things were on the list that were about what men say. The request rings true both ways. Don’t talk to our boobs, don’t tell us you want to tap that ass, don’t talk at all if you are going to say something stupid. You don’t need a creative pick up line that makes you look like a heel. Just shut up, look cute and go in for the kill.

Apparently the show was based on an upcoming book titled, “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t be Dating or Having Sex.” Why didn’t I think of that… and I wonder if its too late to get them to change the name.

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