I am gradually being eased back into American society. As if there was someone watching over me, ensuring I didn’t go into shock from an abrupt assimilation attempt, I ended up with a Mexican cab driver taking me home from the Austin airport. As soon as I said I came in from Mexico, he spoke to me in Spanish the rest of the way and told me I was mui bonita. He also said if I had called him to pick me up and hadn’t just happened upon him, he would have brought me flowers. Then he asked if I was going out tonight. Yep, just as shameless at the guys in Mexico. He also refused to turn on the air conditioning.

So, I bought a $9 Cosmo at the Cancun airport. And by Cosmo, I mean the magazine, not the drink. Yes, NINE DOLLARS (not pesos). I have now regressed at least one year in intelligence from having read it too. That crap is horrendous.

What I learned from it, though,  is the word “vajazzle.” Yes, its the term for bedazzling your vajayjay. You can now have rhinestones line your runway. Apparently this is not new and I have been under a rock.  But, I still feel compelled to say something. I am horrified. And, if you know me, you know that I am not easily horrified. I cuss like a sailor and drink like a fish. I’ll never make the list for the worlds classiest people, no matter how long it is. But it is people that vajazzle and end up on Cops and Cheaters that are giving Americans a bad reputation. A reputation that I then have to overcome every time I travel to a foreign country. No wonder Salvador and the other ferry men immediately thought I would show them my chi chis.

Cut it out.

Oh, and my plants are dead.

Home sweet home.