No, I’m not talking about me. I’m referring to the doomed couple that I had the pleasure of sitting next to on the first leg of my journey to Cancun. I don’t know what it is about that 28 minute Continental flight between Austin and Houston, but I always deplane with a great story.

There was the uncomfortable bra cat lady of last year and the crazy drunk guy who should never have made it past security. Halfway through the flight he yelled out “Has anyone seen my dog?” This was met with laughter from everyone in coach, which only encouraged him to spend the rest of the flight yelling out things like “I think he’s flying the plane!” and “He’s black and white and loves peanuts.” After about 1.5 minutes of this, we all knew the next 26 minutes were going progress at consistently increased irritation levels.

I must admit, it was pretty funny when I was making my way to another terminal in IAH and I heard “Has anyone seen my dog?” as I turned to witness our buddy dangerously close to falling off the back of one of the airport transportation golf carts, while two elderly people sat next to him, faces frozen in fear.

Back to the couple. It immediately became clear to me that this duo hadn’t been attached for long when I realized she was nervously blathering on about anything and everything that would fend off any awkward silence between them.

Listen lady, if there is any place where pregnant pauses are accepted and even appreciated, it is on a freaking plane. It is perfectly ok to sit ¾ of an inch from someone for an entire flight and not say a word to them except “sorry” when you bump their elbow off the arm rest.  In fact, I prefer the silent treatment. I always feel like an unwilling eavesdropper when trapped in a seat next to or in front of people that insist on carrying on about stupid shit.

I realize that you two are together, you made that abundantly clear having your arm looped under his while rubbing his forearm hair for the entire flight, and only shutting up to lean in and motion for a kiss every 10 minutes. But I feel the need to point a few things out to you. I hope you have a wonderful time on your Mexican vacation because that man is dumping you as soon as you get back to the states.

My observations:

While you rattled on about all the people at the dog adoption agency you work at, your man was staring down at the aisle and yawning while holding the bridge of his nose. This is not a sign that he is interested in what you are saying.

If the guy you are talking to does not say a single word, ask a single question or bother to move his face during your 15 minute “story”about your blackberry, you are not interesting. Asking, “you know?” after every other sentence and him responding “hmmmm” does not count as him being engaged.

And come on, “I like moons over mi-hammy” is not a conversation starter. I especially did not enjoy your 5 minute description of the Denny’s breakfast meal, which you dove into after he indicated with a blank stare that he had no idea what the hell you were talking about.  I fear that he also did not enjoy this rather detailed culinary breakdown, judging from the fact he closed his eyes and tilted his head back, thinking what I can only guess was “Oh My Lord. What have I done? When will it stop and is tequila going to make this better or worse?”

Read the signs and shut up every once in awhile. Good God, could he lean any further away from you when you adoringly rested your head on his shoulder?

I can only defer that your relationship has an expiration date and it’s barreling down fast, probably right after you shag every night in Mexico for a week.

Oh, and put your girls away. We haven’t even crossed the border yet… although that probably helped your cause and kept him from bailing sooner.

Honestly though, I truly feel for you. Every girl deserves a man that hangs on her every word… or at least pretends to because he likes you so much.

On to the second leg. Should have some good stuff because flights that land in vacation destinations are always a trip (pun shamelessly intended).

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