It has come to my attention that, now that my blog is no longer anonymous, I cannot be so free with the shredding of the morons that I attract like flypaper and agree to go on dates with. Wait, yes I can. Hopefully it teaches them a thing or two. But today I am teaching on behalf of my dear friend…

Her buffoon date that she was set up with by a “friend” sounds eerily similar to my mortgage banker dating disaster from 2008. Where do they learn this behavior?

Dear overly confident, typical Dallas, completely inappropriate jackass (OCTDCIJ),

I heard about your blind date with my fabulous friend and am taking it upon myself to share a few pointers for your next dating adventure. Let’s go ahead and do this in a “dos and don’ts format” so you can follow easily.

Don’t make “You don’t teach children or anything do you? Because I don’t think you know how to freaking read,” the first thing you say to your date when she gets in the car because your GPS system has a different street name than hers.

Don’t immediately share that you hate (yes, you used the word hate) gay people, cops and zoos. In fact, don’t ever share that. In fact again, just don’t hate.

Don’t try to be a comedian by saying “I mean really, who needs to see a giraffe?” Its not funny. Its dumb. And giraffes are super cool.

Do avoid beginning every story you tell with “So I was kind of a prick when I did this, but…” In fact, you should avoid telling those stories that highlight your prickiness altogether. And nobody uses the word prick anymore.

Don’t say multiple times, “I’m just too old to go out and drink all night you know,” then later say, “Sorry I didn’t call you back on Sunday. I was so hung over from Saturday night.”

Don’t be nasty and say “It says it right there on the menu, geeez,” when your date innocently asks the kind waitress a question.

Do take the fact your date declined another beer as a sign that she now wants the date to be over.

Don’t order another beer and say “I’m having another one. Now are you going to have one, because I ordered one?”

I believe there is someone out there for everyone, so I am sure someday, OCTDCIJ, you will snag one of those women that will date you for your shiny BMW and put up with your jackassery. But in the meantime, I’m fighting one blowhard at a time, to lessen the amount of hours good women waste sitting across from people like you.

Good day, jc

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