So I live in a complex that surrounds a courtyard. We are talking mini-courtyard. As in, I can talk in my ‘sit on the couch next to someone conversation’ voice and have a perfectly audible chat with the person on the balcony across the yard from me. There are four floors, 12 apts on each, so 48 apartments facing said courtyard. Who… in their right mind, that is not a total inconsiderate asshole, hangs a fecking wind chime on their balcony? I get it. Some people like that irritating tinkling metallic sound. Personally, I put it up there with the shriek of an ironing board when you unfold it (have you EVER opened one that didn’t shriek?). Come on people. Hang it in your room with a freaking fan in front of it if you cannot live without. Please don’t subject, no matter how unreasonable and bitter they may be, your otherwise peaceful neighbors to your bullshit “I got this along highway 290 in an art shop outside Fredericksburg” noise making trinket collection.
End Rant.

So, I will go back to bed and try this counting sheep thing again. My friend’s lovely mother, who turned 80 this year I believe, told me today that counting sheep really does work. She said that sometimes she sees goats instead of sheep, which I love because I love goats, but that is a totally different story. Anyway, she said it stops you from thinking about all the other crap running through your mind keeping you awake.

So I envisioned a fence, because I think that is what you are supposed to do. And I placed hundreds of sheep on one side of it, counting them as they jumped the fence one by one. Problem is… next thing I knew there were sheep jumping willy nillie. Sometimes four at a time. Some of them crawling under the fence. Some of them simply going around it. It was like a stampede. I couldn’t keep track of them all. …This scenario makes it sound like I really did smoke crack earlier. But I am not shitting you.

So I put up a wall. With a door. And only let one sheep out at a time. They still overpowered me and came rushing through faster than any human brain could ever calculate. This is supposed to help me sleep?!

Please. Share suggestions that don’t include Tylenol PM or draining another bottle of wine.

Meanwhile I will lay here and listen to the music of the wind chime, periodically masked by the screeching sound of a train going by, the running toilet of the apartment next door or the sound of yet another text message coming in from the millions of people that sent out mass “Merry Xmas” messages today to everyone in their phone logs.

Sweet dreams ATX.