OK, so there has been so much shite flying at me from all corners of life over the past few weeks that I am chock full of Blog Substance (BS), but haven’t a spare second to share. Can I hire a blog assistant? That follows me around all day taking notes?

Right, so I had a real, official date with a real, official human male the other night. Can I just ask you how it is possible that two people can wake up the day after a date and have such completely conflicting impressions of how said date went that it actually seems like we were on different dates with two completely different companions?

I was actually quite excited for this outing, which stinks because it is my opinion that the date royally sucked. Or better…he royally sucked. I met him several weeks ago at the end of a night out (First RED FLAG). But, in my and his defense, we had a pretty normal enjoyable conversation and he was very clever and respectful about how he asked for my number. He was by no means a looker, but he was cute enough that he could become super attractive with the right personality.

He called about a week later, left a clever message. I called back. We planned a date. He offered to pick me up. I googled him. I found out he is a laser physicist. All good signs. All good signs.

Here is where things go South. Fast. When he picks me up, I notice he is wearing horrendous jeans. Not a deal breaker, I can totally get past that, but I had to point it out in order to show that there are just NO good qualities here. At this point I am rooting “Come on, Personality!” in my head as I hop into his car. So I ask him what he does, preparing for a spew of scientific terms and cool technology. Instead I get “I invest in things.” When I prod a little further and ask if he plays the stock market or buys real estate, he reveals that these investments are actually his online poker playing habit. He honestly thinks I am going to think it is cool that he makes a living by sitting in his underwear and gambling in his family room day in and day out. Little does he know that I was really attracted to the lasers! Maybe a college student will think it is cool that you can earn some keg money playing card games online, but I am grown up, professional and looking for a man that I finally DO NOT have to take care of.

When we got to the bar he bought us two $1 beers and said “If things go well, I might let ya buy the next round.” He was serious. He sat with his empty beer for 20 minutes and waited for me to finish mine so I could go get our next round. Now, I am not old fashioned. And I always offer to pay for things. But for feck’s sake, we are in our 30s. We have jobs. When a guy asks me out on a date, I think I have every reason to expect him to pay. Especially for two measly freaking $1 beers.

The night went on with him being a total jack ass and stating stupid things and saying mean things in some sort of attempt to flirt. I continued through the evening checking out every other guy in my sight, assuming he was just as miserable as me or at least sensed that I really couldn’t stand to be in the room with him for much longer. Yet he tried to lure me back to his place to look at his new HD DVD player. I like technology as much as the next geek, but seriously?

Yet now I get an email saying how it was such a great night together! Ew? Where is the disconnect? I mean there were honestly several times on this date where I was literally rolling my eyes and making looks of disgust when he wasn’t looking. It was straight out of an episode of Blind Date when there should have been thought bubbles floating beside my head saying “This guy is a total douchebag.”

I came, I saw, I endured… that fishy is getting tossed back into the sea.